Soul Train night had already started by the time we arrived at the campsite, a few kilometres outside of Fethiye, and the warden made it very clear that we were not invited. ‘This English party,’ he told us. ‘English only.’ ‘Oh,’ we said, laughing for a moment. ‘But we are English!’ Nevertheless, we were instructed to watch from the sidelines, if at all. So we set up our tent and settled in.
After they had finished their set the performers, too, retreated to the wings. DJ Bubbles took over, and a sea of middle-aged, middle income Eng-ur-landers took to, and murdered, the dance floor. Moving to the lyrics, not the beat, white folks getting down to Black music. And, curiously, the band themselves put elbows and knees to work only much later, when the Bee Jees were playing, or Average White Band, or Dusty.
We started thinking cynically about what it might be like to be the only Black people at a Black music event – the band was from South Africa – and to be the entertainment and see all the old folks dancing in their particular, peculiar, unbearably white British way.
Shirtless lads were stalking girls, encircling them without actually making eye contact until, oh yes, one of them looked and the girl looked back and suddenly they were twirling each other in a bizarre performance of Ironically Pretending To Flirt and in so doing were really engaging in that most modern form of courtship.
Terry, part troll, had unwittingly built up a substantial live following with his devout hips and incongruously girthy legs. Like tree trunks swaying in a breeze. 40 years young and feeling reborn, a telecoms marketer and would-be stock broker, he had corralled some of his fellow boogiers into a corner and was demonstrating the Funky Chicken and Mashed Potato, knowing corporeally if not consciously that above all, white people – in a general sense – need a formula in order to move to music. Dancing doesn’t come easy, until it does. Alcohol runs in our veins.
In the thick of it Suzanne, real name Susan, was busy curling her body into shapes the kind of which her workmates in Woking wouldn’t even dare dream. A dervish or whirligig losing items of clothing by the minute.
Dangerously close, and more than a little aroused, was Simon, a competitive long distance runner in his youth who by his early 30s had become obsessed with designing weapons for his perpetually embryonic MMORPG, Guild Of Wizards, which was as much a way of putting all his erotic fantasies in one place as it was an earnest attempt at making a video game. He’s in IT, in real life.
But in the here and now he was Lord of the Dance. He flailed his arms in wild satisfaction, sending vast arcs into the (little) space around him, sine and cosine waves emanating violently from his fists. If only his father could see him now. That would show him. You see me, father? he was thinking. You see the multitudes I contain?
It was around this time that the foam cannon made its entrance, a massive thing dutifully trundled out by a couple of stagehands already tired – just two weeks into the season – of cleaning up after these monumental exhibitions of Britishness. Was this really the same culture that produced Downton Abbey, Jane Austen and the Brontë sisters? Eric Blair and Nigella Lawson? Yes.
As soon as they engaged the motor, relentless torrents of froth burst from its deep black nozzle. Suds flew forth and multiplied in the warm midnight air, showering the pink-faced revellers with its feather-light ooze. We entered the fray, here, confident we could blend in and evade capture by the warden (we hadn’t been officially granted entrance, even though we were technically eligible, on account of our passports; the warden was a fierce man with no teeth).
The beat thrummed on: it was ‘Rhythm Of The Night’, and we were moving to it, letting it guide us, sliding out feet through and between Alrights and Oh yeahs, but within seconds we felt hands on our sides, fingers grasping our wrists. Two passerine ladies, twin sisters, Leanne and Lorna, wanted very much for us to join them in the epicentre of the action, and wouldn’t take no for an answer – didn’t even ask – where the dividing line between foam, friend and foe had broken down so completely that one was indistinguishable from the others.
Elbows in our ribs. We were hauled, and travelled inwards. Boots, staggering; turbans made crassly of bubbles; foam chefs’ hats and fezzes adorning the drunkest people on Earth. The madness shook us with its noise, Dexy’s Midnight Runners yelling come on Eileen and a woman actually called Eileen ripping her red blouse asunder, men called Tony and Gary and possibly Carl instinctively funneling suds onto her bare breasts with expressions unlike I’d ever seen, sombre somehow, but also hysterical and wide-eyed.
Somebody was yelling into my ear, “‘Girl I Wanna Make You Sweat’ is a very good song, a very good song,” and we were both agreeing, nodding our heads uncontrollably in time with the beat. We were being swept along. The maddening train was pumping out black smoke and people were falling over, only to be replaced by others, soap-saturated, from the flanks, each drunker than the last, many of them gargling and piss-wet.
Someone popped a bottle of cheap bubbly – the sound alone was enough to cause ripples in the crowd – and was furiously shaking it in time with doo raa doo raaii yaaaay while its off-yellow fizz exploded into the sky and mingled with the foam that rained endlessly from above.
When it was empty, the man wielding the bottle – his name was probably Ronald – looked up for a second. He cast his gaze like a fishing line into the surrounding mêlée but didn’t establish eye contact with anyone, which was a pity as it might’ve sobered him up just enough to prevent what happened next.
Ronald, mouse-brown hair thinning on top, pupils wide as saucepans, lobbed that bottle high. It soared heavenwards, and he forgot it existed. Having reached the apex of its curve, however, and very much still in existence, the bottle began to fall. Second by second it picked up speed, so that when at last it landed just west of the crown of DJ Bubbles, who had been faithfully providing sonic intoxication and was in fact nearing the end of her final set, it was travelling fast enough to knock her immediately unconscious, and draw considerable amounts of blood.
She keeled over and fell, backwards off the wooden platform erected earlier that day by two stagehands, onto the cool green grass. It beckoned her and saved her. She sighed silently and slept for a good while.
Meanwhile, mayhem. Terry had taken off his trousers and was waving them like a windmill in the air, sending soapsuds flying. Leanne and Lorna were beating the shit out of Ronald for maiming the disc jockey and thereby terminating the evening early – although fortunately, or unfortunately, she’d already made the transition from ‘Come On Eileen’ to Blue Boy’s ‘Remember Me’, 7-inch edit, giving the candle 3 minutes and 49 seconds more in which to burn burn burn.
It had taken just one of those for Simon and Suzanne to lock eyes, dive surreptitiously under the thigh-high blanket of bubbles, and commence foreplay. 60 seconds later, half the congregation had passed out on the floor and were completely concealed under the foam. By the time Marlena Shaw was getting to her second or third round of ging-gi-gi-gi-gi-ging-gi-gi-gings, we had slipped out from underneath that salty, slimy tarpaulin and into the safety of the sea, to wash off the evidence.
I don’t know what happened to the stagehands after that. They wheeled their cannon away and were never seen again, as far as I can tell. The band took DJ Bubbles away on a makeshift stretcher and sang to her until she came to. She couldn’t remember anything from the night’s proceedings, which is probably for the best. We slept fitfully, waking whenever one of the cleaners slipped over on the bubble-soaked ground and flung curses at the warden.
By 8 o’clock in the morning it was 35 degrees. Cerberus was biting our ankles. We decided to get up before dawn the following day and set off as early as possible so as to beat the heat. The rest of the morning we lay in the shade, trying to keep cool and hoping for a good night’s sleep before our early start.
Then, at around noon, it occurred to us that they had only gone so far in dismantling the stage and seating areas, and we realised what was going on. They were setting up for another party. Our hearts were ready to sink. But there was something different about this one, and as it dawned on us, we breathed huge sighs of relief. This one was to be a Turkish party. Much better. And we were going to be able to get some sleep!
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